The Bill Of Rights Is Bullshit

White slave owning men, who wanted to be free from England, enacted the Bill of Rights in 1789 as part of our Constitution. In one of the first versions, they wanted white land owning men to be the only ones who could vote. That ironic provision didn’t make it but it certainly shows the real mindset of the precious founding fathers. They are the same powerful, fat, greedy, old white men that exist today. Nothing has changed.

223 years ago, they wrote this shit up. We use every single word of it and many other provisions throughout the Constitution to make every single major decision in our country. The system is set up so the most important cases in the entire country go before the Supreme Court, lifetime appointments made by Presidents. Their job is to decide the cases based on… the 223 year old Constitution. It’s pretty, pretty important.

The Constitution is what protects all of us. It’s the end all be all. It’s what allows me to write this, right now. It guarantees a whole lot of important shit, especially when you include all the new ones we’ve added in over the years.

And I believe that the Bill of Rights is complete bullshit. I didn’t mean to make your sphincter tighten up, but you can relax. I have a reasonable and logical arguement to present. I’ll be accused of being unpatriotic and be told to move to Canada. But facts are facts. I love this place enough to tell the truth – The Bill of Rights is bullshit.

223 years ago, the white slave owning men decided on 10 rights. They were not psychics. They didn’t have a time travel machine. People weren’t making bomb threats, there was no Virginia Tech massacre, no flying machines that religious fanatics would hijack and crash into buildings about a million times taller than they could ever imagine, people were not openly gay and believe it or not, abortion was quite legal, mostly accepted and quite common.

Those original rights are mostly a bunch of shit in today’s world. The infrastructural rights that set up the court system work just fine. However, I’m going to break down the original Bill of Rights and create my own 21st century version. My edit of the Bill of Rights. I will use simple, modern plain language that will be as direct as possible. Let’s get to it.

In the interest of keeping the article as short and smooth as possible, I will not be including the full text of the Bill of Rights here. You can read it here if you need a study guide.

Amendment 1

Congress shall make no law establishes, endorses or supports religion. There is a complete separation of religion and State. The right of free speech shall never be abridged unless speech will imminently cause physical harm or danger to others. The press cannot be controlled by the State. The people shall not be prohibited or limited to peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government address their grievances.

I would also suggest that Atheists stop being such whiny little bitches.

Amendment 2

A superior military force necessary to secure a free State.

The right to own a gun is gone. Let the state’s decide. May not be a problem in Montana, but in Maryland and D.C. it’s a big one. Besides, there are about 1000 things you should have a right to have before a weapon. It’s 2012. We have security cameras, home security systems, police that drive in CARS and HELICOPTERS, who carry guns, tazers and beat sticks. We do not have to defend and protect ourselves the way people did 223 years ago. Guns are an individual State issue.

Amendment 3

The 3rd amendment is useless and I’m deleting the fuck. Like much of the Bill of Rights, It’s completely irrelevant in 2012. A problem so important that it must be one of the original 10 rights… The right to have you home free and secure from soldier’s staying the night. The fuck?

It’s not an important enough issue to be an Amendment. Let it be a simple federal law, great. But let real rights be the focus here. The 3rd Amendment is no more. But we must replace it with something. We must fill the void. So I’m going to settle this abortion bullshit right here, right now.

No matter what, half of the People will be pro-choice and the other half will be pro-life. Stupid terms really, but that’s a-whole-nother article. Half the people believe a woman has a right to an abortion and the other half does not, fair enough.

We’ve got to settle this so we can work on real shit. I know these fuckers in Washington love to distract us with these fake social issues like abortion and gay marriage so they can make off with all the power and money. So let’s all agree to end this. I’ll be the decider.

Life begins on a commonly agreed upon gestation week by the medical community in which the fetus is viable outside of the uterus.

A woman at least 18 years of age has a right to an abortion until the fetus is 16 weeks. After 16 weeks an abortion may only occur if medically necessary to a woman’s health. A woman’s right to an abortion up until 16 weeks shall not be abridged by the any State or Federal branch of government and no procedure shall be required beforehand unless medically necessary.

That settles it. Deal with it an accept it. Facts are facts. 24 weeks, the baby can probably survive outside of the womb. That’s life. That’s alive. A mass of cells is not a life. A growing fetus up until this line I’ve drawn in the sand, 16 weeks – is not a life but is part of a woman’s body. Her temple, her rules.

But, if you’re going to get an abortion, you’d better do it as fast as possible because the more that fetus develops, the more of a jerk off you are. If you get pregnant and abortion is one of your options, you’ve fucked up big time and you’re a jerk off. But it’s a woman’s right to control her body. Until that fetus is viable, it is not a person. It is her body, completely.

And I think 16 weeks is a good number. The low number on when the medical community GUESSES that a fetus has the ability to feel pain is 20 weeks. This should never ever happen. 16 may even be a little high. I’d negotiate lower if I had to but 16 weeks is a good starting number. Personally, I’d go with 12 but I think you have to compromise in this issue so we can shut the fuck up about it. Problem solved. Accept it and deal with it.

No matter where you stand on the issue, what I’ve just said will piss off every person on either side of the issue. And THAT is the only way it will ever be solved. Deal with it, accept it. 16 weeks – that’s the line in the sand.

Amendment 4

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

This one is just perfect the way it is – but we like to make things more perfect here in America so I would like to clear up some of the 21st century issues to this one by adding just a bit.

Congress shall make no law interfering with any man or woman’s right to make medical choices on their own behalf or by legal proxy. Any adult over the age of 18 has the right to die, and a Doctor may not be compelled or forced to assist. You have a right to complete medical privacy.

Deal with it.

Amendment 5

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb, nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

I like this one just the way it is. It sets up a lot of good stuff. Imminent domain is fine with me. The legal structuring here is very good. It’s the system we use and it works as best as it can. Some parts do not work and we’ll get to that.

Amendment 6

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed; which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Being judged by a jury of your peers was a terrible idea in 1789 and it’s even worse now. Some guy car jacks an old lady… Whether he did it or not, I am now afraid of being car jacked in this town. That fear will influence my decision and it will influence a jury’s decision whether they admit it or not. If they say they aren’t, they are lying. So people from a different city, district or borough need to be selected for these trials. The defendant gets a more fair trial which ultimately makes our system that much better and just.

Amendment 7

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

All knowing, all wise founding fathers couldn’t foresee… inflation? 20 bucks? What the fuck is wrong with these people? The gas driving in to court alone is 20 bucks.

Now this one basically sets up small claims court versus civil jury trials. The store owner charges my card for $200 more after I leave, I take him to small claims and sue him. I slip, fall and crack my head open at that store, we’re probably going to have a civil jury trial.

It’s fine in the sense that it structures cases from minor to major – but to really write out: 20 dollars, is just staggering. They didn’t know what inflation was and their words on this one little piece of paper rule our world.

Amendment 8

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

This is a big one for me. Cruel and unusual punishment, what did they mean by that? They just hung people and snapped their necks with little chance to appeal back then. And I liked that just fine. But I have a huge problem with the way the death penalty works in our great society today.

I think death is scary whether you’re hanging from a noose, getting shocked in a chair or being injected with a needle. I don’t think any of those scenarios are cruel and unusual. What I do think is cruel and unusual is when a murderer is convicted and sits on death row for 20 years before he is finally killed by the State.

I have done some crazy shit in my life. When I was 10 I walked across power lines 50 feet in the air. I used to street race, a lot. I’ve down whole bottles of Everclear (151 proof/75% alcohol that is basically pure ethanol, you know – the stuff that makes up 10% of gasoline). But I’ve changed. I do not and never will do any of that shit ever again because I’ve evolved. I’ve grown. I’ve become a better person and continue to do so.

Scenario: Guy gets fired, comes home from work early and finds his wife cheating on him with his best friend. Husband grabs a gun and shoots the fucker right there while he’s butt naked trying to locate his pants. He’s arrested, convicted and sentenced to die. He goes through the appeals process, trying to save his life. He fails.

20 years after he committed the crime, he is executed. 20 years of growth. 20 years to feel sorry for what you’ve done. 20 years to become a better man. 20 years of possibly helping these guys running in and out of prison. 20 years of remorse. 20 years to literally become a different person. Just think how much you’ve changed in 20 years.

And you’re going to fucking kill this guy? 20 years later? THAT is cruel and unusual punishment and we do it every day. It’s what we do here and it’s a violation of the 8th Amendment. And I must be fucking bat shit because I’m the only one talking about it.

But… You that same scenario, same guy – he’s convicted, he automatically gets a SPEEDY appeal. Just to make sure everything was kosher with the original trial. If it wasn’t, he gets a new trial. If it was, he gets fucking killed the next day. End of story. Doing business like that would absolutely affect the crime rate.

One more thing. These white collar criminal fucks like Bernie Madoff need to be executed. If you really want to make the world a better place, put the fear of death into these fuckers. They’re just as bad, if not worse than murderers. Stealing an old lady’s 401 K… haven’t you really taken her life anyway?

Amendment 9

The Constitution is not meant to be a comprehensive list of every specific right you may have.  Every other decision on rights belong to the People.

Amendment 10

The Federal Government’s power is limited to those delegated by the Constitution. All other matters are to be decided by the People.

So those are the original 10, minus that third one which I took out and replaced with my great abortion settlement. I just had to settle it. Let me be the guy, I’m cool with that.

For all the stuff we’ve added since, I’m just going to hit the important ones and I’m going to change up the style of this article a bit. The first 10, I rewrote. For the rest, I’ll just be commenting and presenting ideas of how these particular amendments could be reconsidered in our 21st century America.

Amendment 13

1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

It only took 76 years and hundreds of thousands of dead Americans, but the great hypocrisy was finally undone. The white, land owning, slave owning men who wanted to be free from the tyranny of England lost their right to own… to OWN black men, women and children. The fucks.

Also note that Thomas Jefferson, author of the Constitution not only owned many slaves, he had sex with them and made babies with them. I have to wonder how he felt about his own child being a slave. To be fair, he did free his slaves, but they were only freed upon his death.

What’s truly shameful on a level I can’t describe is that even 147 years after this amendment became part of the Constitution, it is normal and acceptable in the south to display a Confederate flag. I’ve been in Florida for 23 years, I’ve seen this shit. When I say it’s normal and acceptable, trust me. The level of ignorance, intolerance and longing for the idea that the South was something to be a fan of from that period of American history is alive and kicking. It’s common.

On the flip side – I’ve never once heard a black man or woman express gratitude or appreciation for the sacrifice made by Union Soldiers. There is no celebration for the bloody and brutal sacrifices they made during a time in history when being a soldier was pure hell. But we’ve got Bill Clinton, the first black President. I just don’t get it.

Amendment 14

The great cluster fuck. This one is just loaded up with so much shit, good and bad. I’ll do my best.

Section 1
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

There are many Americans and politicians who have a great interest in keeping America white. Take a good look at America with Google Earth sometime. There is a whole lot of green. Trees, everywhere. We’ve got plenty of room – come on in and work. Be a part of our economy. Make it easier for these people to come here legally and they won’t have to kill themselves floating over on an air mattress.

Consider this. If you are an American born citizen, you were fucking lucky. You did nothing but come out alive in America. These illegal immigrants, as illegal as they may be, went through some shit to get here, to stay here, to work here and to not be caught here. I kind of like that.

What I don’t like is these fuckers working for a fraction of what Americans do. The real issue to me is that they are undercutting our standard of living and that isn’t good for anyone but the guys employing them. I was out of a job for 6 months and by that 6th month I would have been perfectly happy doing contracting work or even a cleaning job. I didn’t give a shit, I have kids, whose quality of life I will never, ever let fall. But I wouldn’t work those jobs under the table for 3 dollars an hour.

Let’s look at that last part. “Nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” You know it, I know it – this is ignored every single day by both sides of the aisle. It’s ignored by lawmakers are both the State and Federal level, it’s ignored by Governors and it’s even ignored by the People. It’s bullshit. Trayvon Martin, at the time of this writing has not received anything even close to equal protection. His murderer is sitting home on the couch, fat and happy and defending the fact that he shot an unarmed black kid in a hoodie.

If it was a black community volunteer vigilante douche bag who shot a white kid in a hoodie, his ass would have been charged with murder the second the cops showed up. You know, I know it.

Section 3
If you were involved with the Confederacy, your career in Government is fucked.

Section 4
The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. But neither the United States nor any State shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any slave. But all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void.

This one is just fucked. It’s become a major part of the massive debt ceiling issue. It gives the US a blank check to print as much money as possible. It threatens the collapse of the dollar. But it keeps our shit going. You can can make a good argument either way. But it’s there and it’s the law and it will be interpreted in the way the sitting President sees fit.

Amendment 15

The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude.

You hear a lot of people using this one and three additional amendments to point out the fact that we have a right to vote.

Sure, it starts off with the words “The RIGHT of citizens of the United States to vote…” It states we do in fact have a right and specifies that it can’t be denied based on race, color or being an ex-slave. The Constitution reserves the right to deny to your right to vote based on other things to be decided by the State and the People. We’ll break this down – just let it marinate for a bit.

But your right to vote can be denied for any reason not included in the Constitution.

For example, can retarded folk vote? I’m talking straight up – people with actual mental retardation. An IQ below 70. Are they legally allowed to vote? I don’t even know the answer but I know that I would not have a problem with the right of retarded people to be denied based on their IQ. It’s not in the Constitution therefor the State has the right, to take away that right.

Also – this is very important on this IQ issue. I honestly truly believe in my heart that there should be a Constitutional ratification somewhere that requires a Presidential candidate to have an IQ ABOVE 70. I will go to my grave honestly and truly believing in my heart that George W. Bush is dangerously close to 70. Not a joke, not meant to be shocking or funny. I really – really believe he is close to mental retardation and it can never EVER happen again. Put it in.

Amendment 16

The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, without apportionment among the several States, and without regard to any census or enumeration.

Everybody’s favorite. This one is relatively new – it came about in 1909. Can you believe we fought the Civil War without income tax? Can you believe we made it 133 years without income tax to run the Federal and State governments? How can my enormous state of Florida survive without a state income tax and tiny states like Rhode Island, Delaware, New Jersey, and Maine can’t seem to function without it? This is the shit we need to be talking about, not abortion and gay marriage.

133 years we survived without income tax. As of this moment, March 24th, 2012 – that National Public Debt it $15,590,378,055,798.55. The current U.S. population is 312,455,902. That means every man, woman, child and baby owes about $49,000. How do you feel about your kids, your babies growing up to inherit that shit?

Amendment 18

After one year from the ratification of this article the manufacture, sale, or transportation of intoxicating liquors within, the importation thereof into, or the exportation thereof from the United States and all territory subject to the jurisdiction thereof for beverage purposes is hereby prohibited.

Today, the industry of alcohol generates 137 billion dollars in sales annually. In 1917, they just said fuck it, this stuff’s gotta go. Can you imagine how this country would function without alcohol? I’m sure the pharmaeutical companies would make a lot more money but the people would do exactly what they did back then.

Turns out, even if you make a Constitutional amendment banning something, if the mob wants it, the mob will have it. Also remember, Jesus was quite the fan of wine.

Amendment 19

The right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of sex.

Here we go again. The right of the citizens of the United States to vote… They can deny it anytime they want, but they can’t do it based on your gender. It only took 143 years for women to be recognized as competent to have an opinion on elected officials.

We’ve all been brainwashed to celebrate this moment in time when women’s suffrage came to a boiling point and they won their right to vote. But no one says a word about the 143 years they were treated as subhumans. Women still earn .75 cents to ever dollar a man earns for the same job. We’ve come so far, haven’t we?

But do we have a right to vote? Let it marinate a little bit longer.

Amendment 21

The eighteenth article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States is hereby repealed.

“We fucked up” is what I read. For 16 years people were imprisoned for doing what just about everyone does today. A completely normal and socially accepted activity. Drinking alcohol is one of the cornerstones of the American way. It’s part of our social fabric.

It’s stunning to know just how wrong they were. It’s also frightening to know that they can take anything they want away from you as long as two thirds of each house votes to do so. The land of the free.

Amendment 24

The right of citizens of the United States to vote in any primary or other election for President or Vice President, for electors for President or Vice President, or for Senator or Representative in Congress, shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or any State by reason of failure to pay any poll tax or other tax.

More establishment of reasons your right to vote can’t be denied. They can still deny your right to vote if you’re gay, smell funny or maybe they can revert back to that 1789 mindset when the founding fathers truly believed that you must own land to have the right to vote.

Let it marinate.

Amendment 26

The right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age. Congress shall have the power to enforce this law through appropriate legislation.

Yet another thing they can’t use to deny your right to vote. So to sum things up, we’ve got race, color, previous servitude, gender, not paying poll taxes and age. Any other reason can be used to deny your right to vote. So if only six things cannot be used to deny your right to vote, but they have the authority to deny your right to vote based on a million other reasons, then do we even really have the right to vote in the first place?

The Constitution says yes, we do have a right in 4 separate amendments. And I say no, we have no right to vote if they can deny it for any reason in the world, aside from those 6 reasons. If they really wanted, they could refuse your right to vote if you identify yourself as a Democrat or a Republican. They can deny your right to vote if you are a Socialist or a Communist. They can even deny your right to vote if you’re just a dumb motherfucker who thinks Barack Obama is a secret Muslim born in Kenya.

So that’s it.

My modification to the original 10 bill of rights and my commentary on the new ones. I hope I’ve proved my point as well as I can. To really break it down: These Bill of Rights we hold so sacred, that shape the entire foundation of this country, that protect us all as being in charge of this place, the holy grail of the United States is complete bullshit. Written by highly intelligent hypocrites who thought stealing 20 bucks was a pretty big fucking deal and it would continue to be a big deal from now until the end of time.

They were wrong – on a lot of stuff. And so much is still wrong. We have an original Constitutional right of our homes to be free of soldiers sleeping on your couch. Our right to vote can’t be denied because we haven’t paid a poll tax. Liquor was banned, the country said “Fuck you, you’re not taking our liquor” and 16 years later yet another Constitutionalism amendment was made undoing the original one.

Yet we still haven’t been able to get two thirds of these assholes in the House and Senate to agree that two people of the same sex can enter into a legally recognized partnership and are offered the same protections as traditional marriages. I can marry someone I met 5 minutes ago in Vegas and if I get hit by car walking out with my new bride, she can make every single medical decision while I am unable to.

But two men or women who have been in a relationship for decades don’t have that same protection. They aren’t even legally allowed to visit their loved ones in many instances. Something is fucked up.

It’s time to stop lying to ourselves. It’s time to stop branding people as America-haters or unpatriotic because we don’t accept every bullshit lie shoved down out throats. What  you learned in school when your brain was an innocent little sponge isn’t always the truth. Not that we’re grownups, we know how political education can be. But we’ve been brain washed with the Pledge of Allegiance every single morning for 13 years of school. How could one possibly suggest that everything is not perfect without being a horrible American?

Based on my comments, I would understand if people say I hate America or that I’m a fucking Socialist-Communist-Nazi. The truth is, I love this place enough to tell the truth about the Bill of Rights, it’s history and the future I hope to see it become.

The New Beginning

Posted on Friday, January 31, 2003

Troubleshoot my cock and balls you incompetent assfucks.

9 years ago I started a weblog when I was 16. I was an angry, impulsive, unfiltered kid with the power of the internet. The site was one of the most popular blogs on blogger.com. I was mentioned on Fox News. I was so popular that when you googled image searched my town, my picture was from my About page (which mentioned my home town) was always in in the first three top results. I was hood famous.

The site was so popular and successful that I decided this was what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to use the special prism I see life through to entertain people. But my new plan was not to progress as a writer. My new plan would be… Radio.

Inspired by my obsession with talk radio, I wanted to do what I was doing online on the radio, minus all the “fucks.” It was time to get my shit together. Fast forward – I went to school and quickly got a job at my local radio station. At the time, I didn’t know that getting a radio job was like winning the lottery. Radio jobs do not exist. One time while visiting CBS Radio in Tampa, FL – the Program Director, a very nice 20-something year veteran at the station told me you get a radio job when someone dies. I was quite fortunate.

I started in commercial production. I was very good. Then I started doing weekends on the air. I was really, really good – quite a natural. But this wasn’t what I expected. I was never allowed to give my opinion and for good reason. The station I was on the air was a Hot AC – basically Adult Top 40. Music for Moms without the rap. I couldn’t make fun of the President or say “fuck”. But I had a stage to own music and say funny stuff. I was a host and it was pretty cool. I got to be the class clown again.

I love music and I’ve always loved radio – so even though I didn’t get into radio for this, it was still my passion. I eventually became the Afternoon Drive host and was later promoted to Program Director. At a local station, the PD is in charge. I am the General Manager’s right hand man. I was running the radio station. I did this for five years.

Somewhere along the line, as you can read in the post before this, I ended the blog. A lot had changed since I started writing when I was a 16 year old kid, living at home, never leaving his room, sitting around in his boxers all day. I had two babies. I was married. I bought a house. I suffered a great loss in my family. I didn’t have time to give a shit about this stuff anymore. Plus, I was a local celebrity and public figure. I couldn’t write the stuff I was writing anymore. So I closed up the shop.

But all good things eventually come to an end. I was working in Citrus County, Florida. Shit-rus County as many people call it. 10.5% unemployment. A radio station’s primary function is not music. It is to suck as much money out of every local business as possible. Sometimes when you drive around this place it seems like there are more empty storefronts than occupied. It was beginning to look like a ghost town.

The radio station was hemorrhaging money in the tens of thousands of dollars monthly. The GM sure as shit wasn’t going to fire himself so the second highest paid guy was going to get fucked and that was me. I spent 5 years turning a sloppy small town piece of shit local radio station into something that now sounded as good as any major market station. I literally changed everything and made a product you could actually proudly offer to clients.

Now that my work, my contributions and my extremely high standards were firmly in place, the guillotine would be dropped on the guy with the biggest paycheck. I won’t lie, it sucked. I’m not going to get into the long, boring and dramatic story but I was betrayed by people I trusted, people I considered friends and mentors. But I will not waste another word on my former employers. I’ll still be the cool motherfucker that I am while that place goes down in flames. I didn’t need that place, they needed me. I’ll leave it at that.

So now here I am – back in the saddle. I’ve got a lot of good stuff baking in the oven and I’ve got the time, the attitude and the passion to write again. I have changed so much in this 5 year absence. Isn’t it crazy how much kids change you?

I’ve grown sharper, more focused and I actually have 5 years of professional writing experience. I’m not an underwear blogger anymore. I’m the real deal and it’s time to rock this motherfucker once again.

The End

TheSick.net is over. It’s been a great many years. But the more I read over these insane writings of mine, the more I realize it’s time to close this chapter of my life.

Clearly, I’m a talented writer. Since I do it professionally now, I just don’t like this anymore. What I did on this website was fucking AWESOME. But it wasn’t writing. It was long insane angry ramblings, half of which is complete bullshit.

Let me pull back the curtain. Here’s TheSick.net formula for success. Take any issue you feel passionately about, multiply that passion by about 50, then use vulgarity and obscenity to intelligently make your point. And you’ve got a fucking post.

That’s not me anymore. And like I said, some of these issues I intentionally took the minority opinion on and used the formula above to create a “shocking” post. It’s entertainment, fuckers!

Now all my writing is done in radio. I write copy for advertisers. I write for 20 hours a week just for the air. Jokes, bits, stories, etc. That is real writing. This stuff, this is just typing.

So I enjoyed my time as an internet typist who gave his opinion on all things. And trust me – THAT part will never die. I genuinely fucking HATE the bullshit that happens in this world, and THATS why I write. And that’s why I have a #1 rated radio show. Because I just have to open up my mouth.

It’s been fun. But it’s been over for a while now. The Sick – someone with no boundaries who just intentionally tried to piss people off on the internet, turned into a professional on the radio. And that’s that. Enjoy the site. Hopefully one day I’ll make it big and will be able to say: This is where I started.

George Carlin

George Carlin died yesterday. Some may already know this, but George Carlin was my biggest inspiration in this entire world. He is the reason I went after my dream of entertainment. He is the reason I made a blog. He is the reason I used profanity and obscenities to intelligently describe my well thought out points. Well, sometimes they were well thought out.

Point is, this blog exists because of the inspiration of George Carlin. And I only took the next step to radio because of the success of the blog. And it’s the continued inspiration of George Carlin that helps me every day on the radio. If all of my hopes and dreams come true, it will be in large part due to the inspiration of George Carlin.

I saw George Carlin long before I heard him. On Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. As Mr. Conductor on PBS. That was when I was a boy. He was just that guy… When I was 16, my sister let me borrow George Carlin’s “You Are All Diseased”.

Quite possibly George’s most angry show considering the death of his wife two years earlier, I fucking LOVED it. It made me think. It taught me to question everything. It made me laugh so hard. I really can’t describe it. I just knew that I wanted to hear every word this man had to say. It could never get old.

As proof of that, my girlfriend can tell you that every single night, I go to sleep listening to George Carlin on my iPod. Every single night. I have every single recording he’s ever made. All 22 of his albums. And all three of his audio books. I listen to it all. I listen learn. I study his timing. His choice of words. His logic. His arguments. But most of all, I listen because there’s nothing better than falling asleep listening to the funniest person alive.

But now I can say that I fall asleep every night listening to funniest person who has ever LIVED… My biggest hero. The one person who has made the greatest impact on my development as a human being. Socially, mentally, and as a performer. George Carlin is without a doubt, my hero.

In 2005 George Carlin was working on his Life Is Worth Losing HBO special. He was coming to Orlando. I HAD to go. I went on to get tickets. Everything was sold out. I was crushed. I called the box office, they said sometimes they release tickets closer to the end so keep trying.

So I kept trying every hour on Tickermaster.com when all of the sudden… two front row tickets popped up. Two.. Front… Row… Tickets. I bought them both, took my best friend, and I was literally front row, DEAD CENTER. I could see the swear glisten on his neck. I watched them bring out his stool. I heard a man give the instruction to put Evian water in an unmarked bottle. It was truly one of the top 5 happiest moments of my life. Probably top 3. Maybe top 2.

I will hold on to that memory forever. I will cherish every single word of every recording this great man released for our enjoyment. In his late career, it wasn’t all about telling a funny witty joke. He wanted to expose the bullshit. He hated bullshit. He hated the fakness. He hated words that covered up the truth. He loved to point out that this country was founded by slave owners who said all men are created equal.

That’s who George Carlin really was. A man with the greatest ability to jump into the bullshit, wrestle around in it, harvest it, repackage it, and put it on a silver platter of gut busting hilarity for you.

To sum it up quite simply. George Carlin was my favorite person. Out of all the people on this earth, he was simply, my favorite. He was without question the greatest, most brilliant, ingenious comedian to ever step on a stage. And once he did step on to that stage, he never stopped. He did a show last weekend for Christ’s sake. He was still on fire. He made two HBO specials since 2004. While it makes me very sad to know that there will never be a new Carlin HBO special, I’m extremely grateful that he was able to pump out two more for us.

The strange part is, George Carlin joked about death so much, that it doesn’t seem so bad. He had the same quirky, obscure, skewed outlook on death as he did everything he else in the world. There will never be another person as brilliant and genius as George Carlin to make comedy. People as genuinely brilliant as George Carlin usually end up working at NASA. Carlin used his brilliance to make us laugh. He used is ingenious way of thinking to slap us in the face with the truth and then make us laugh about it.

I’ll miss him a lot. He was the best. And no one will ever be as good as him. George Carlin was so important to me, and is so special to me, that I can not possibly end this in a way that justifies the way I feel. So in George Carlin’s own words:

“I have no ending, so I take a small bow”

An Anus For An Anus

18 year old step son sodomizes man’s 8 year old daughter. Wife bails son out of jail, Step Dad picks him up, brings him to an abaandoned house. He then beats him with a baseball bat and sodomizes HIM with an unknown metal object.Read the story.

I would, in all honestly, do the same thing. Possibly more. I would make the conscious and rational decision to do justice myself. I almost believe it’s your duty as a father. And the interesting thing is, I believe most people would agree.

And I would gladly accept any legal consequences. I simply wouldn’t care. It would be much harder to live without exacting my revenge than to live in jail for a bit. Truthfully.

Does this make me fucked up? Does this make me crazy? I don’t think so. Anyone who knows anything about America’s prison system knows going to jail or prison simply makes you a better, more intelligent and credible criminal. It rarely helps.

Taking away someone’s freedom is simply not adequate punishment for; sodomizing your stepsister. Your Mom’s Husband’s daughter. Someone who calls you their brother. He deserved every bit of sodomizing he received in turn. He deserved the baseball bat beating. And he deserves for the world to know that he got raped in the ass with a big metal object. And I bet he cried like the weak pathetic scumbag bitch he is.

Matt – Has Returned

With the return of an election year and the primary’s bring the return… of Fucking Matt.

I’ve been so dedicated to radio and the writing I do for it, I just don’t have the time or energy to write the way I write on this site. A lot of time and effort goes into everything I write on this site.

But I’m a radio host now, meant to entertain and make people laugh. I’m not just an angry writer, with a fucked up perception of the world. I’ve grown and matured. Having a kid will certainly do that to you.

I haven’t changed. Just grown and evolved. I’m more determined than ever, and the radio thing is really happening in a way I never dreamed of. I’m very fortunate. And I’m pretty fucking talented too.

I will be making an effort to write more. I may not come in and say, “Huckabee is a fucking idiot and I best he molested boys when he was a practicing Baptist Minister.” None of that. Besides, Huckabee is way too likable to do anything like that. Maybe Thompson.

And for the record, its only January, but Obama inspires me, and he at least gives me the illusion that change is possible. In reality, I’ll take any Democrat other than Hillary, just to unfuck up the past 8 years of Bush. The Dark Era of Bush and Cheney. History will tell that story. The Dark Lords of America’s Past.

The Draft

I need to say something very brief, yet very important. I’m referring to George Bush’s newly appointed war advisor, who considers the draft an option.

I can talk about the facts surrounding the appointment of this low level general to this position. I could focus on the fact that two other generals turned down the job, likely because anything other than “LEAVE FUCKING IRAQ, BOMB THE ENTIRE PAKISTAN BORDER” is just plain fucking stupid. Nonsense. Tom foolery. Incompetence. That is THE ONLY advisory to make.

But I won’t focus on that. This is what I want to say. I know that because of this phenomenal failure in Iraq, the second any country steps up, a draft will be instated. It might happen next week, or it might happen if Iran decides it wants to take over Iraq.

But when that does happen. I can only hope more than anything that left wing, right wing, conservative, liberal and independent can all rise up together, acknowledge the line has been crossed, and promptly burn down the White House and take control of the country.

We would put Cheney and Bush on trial in the same way the new Iraq put Saddam on trial. Then we could execute them 2 days after their trial in the middle of the night, and release the HD quality videos of those executions on YouTube. I’m sure we could do that part better.

I truly hope that a full revolt of our country would happen if any of these motherfuckers reinstate the draft. This President or the next should be physically removed from office by the American people. Riot police can’t stop a nation, and I truly hope that our nation would rise in the event of a draft. That is my line.

Of course, the exception would be if we were actually invaded by a real country. If Iran dropped a bomb on New Jersey, I would then hope with the same amount of passion that men would rise to the occasion to willingly fight for their country. I would. If we were attacked at home by a real enemy.

But of course, we made Iraq our enemy. And every day we’re over there, with every civilian killed, we create more enemies in the muslim world. And guess what? They’re not afraid to blow themselves up to kill more than one of us. In fact, it makes them happy to die. It is THE greatest honor.

We are creating the enemy. It’s time to cut our losses and stop creating more enemies. The Muslim World is not to be fucked with. Again, they are glad to kill themselves in order to kill us. They’re fucking insane. And we are not. So let’s just leave them alone and deal with the mess we’ve made. And prevent a fucking draft.

Podcast: Episode 10

Episode 10

Checking in to talk about various news items including the failed London Bombings and my take on the pathetic UK Islamic Terrorists. Completely clueless when it comes to bombing shit.

Also, don’t think that I’m going to stop writing. Not the case! Just very, very busy and I prefer to work on my radio career in my spare time.

Get Out of Jail Free

There are some things that everyone simply agrees upon. It doesn’t matter if you’re left, right, black, or white. Example: Rape. We all agree on the fact that rape is a horrific crime and deserves punishment.

So where do we go from there? We all know rape is bad, so what the fuck do we do about it? First, you outlaw it. So when one commits the act of rape, you can properly charge them, and give them their constitutionally mandated day in court. If found guilty by a jury of their peers, they will be punished according to the law. This is America.

So you may understand when I get absolutely fucking irate at the news of George Bush commuting Scooter Libby’s prison sentence. How fucking dare he. The pathetic piece of cunt. If sending thousands of Americans to their demise for absolute bullshit reasons wasn’t enough, he is now circumventing the entire judicial process by letting his partner in fucking crime slip out of jail. A literal GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD.

What could possibly possess the world’s most hated American president of all time to complete bend over our court system and bang it in the ass? In this article, Bush says that the prison term is excessive. He also said the $250,000 punishment was “harsh.” Fucking blow me you scum bag lying fuck. Let me tell you…

Fuck Valerie Plame. She used her job as a political tool and was hardly a CIA agent. Regardless, Scooter Libby obsctruced justice, lied to investigators, and tarnished the already horrifically scarred sanctity that used to be called the White House. It’s so dirty now, it’s like a big black house. Like the one you see at the end of a winding road on Hitchcock films. That is what our White House has become.

Bush needed to stand up, and say he wouldn’t stand for corruption in his government. Bush should have stood up and said “Because this man was part of this White House and this executive branch of my controlled government, I believe he should face the full extent of the law with no exceptions.” There is nothing more serious than the reputation and image of our leader. So when the leader of your Vice President’s staff gets convicted of breaking a federal fucking law, you send them packing and make them go far away for a long time. How dare they embarrass you.

This is all very logical and rational, right? We’re all in agreement here. He committed a crime, was found guilty in a court of law, and now he should serve it. If you do disagree, then pretend he raped your wife. Then ask yourself if anybody with the moral fiber of George Bush should be deciding what is excessive.

The fact of the matter is, everything I’m saying is right. Bush knows it too. It’s completely reasonable. Pretend the White House is your company that you work at. If anyone at your job did this, and had its company name attached to this man and the crime he committed in every news story, he’d be fucking canned.

Here’s the truth. Bush has to commute the sentence. He has no choice. Why? Because Scooter has a mouth that he can use to punish Mr. Bush if he lets him goto jail for 30 months. That’s why. It’s quite simple.

Let us shift our perspective to Scooter Libby. You have a great job, you lead the staff for the Vice President of the great United States of America. Sweet gig. Your, quite literally, evil boss gets you involved with some shady shit. You’re instructed to play politics and invalidate this Valerie Plame bitch. Hey, he’s your boss. Do the job, no big deal. You’re the chief of his staff, this is what he has hired you for.

Well, you get in big trouble for it. For following orders. Your career and life is ruined. The shame, the humiliation, the anguish. You reach out to your bosses, and they tell you to just wait to see what happens with the trial. He’s guilty. He asks for help again. They say wait for the appeal. It’s at this point, the White House knows that they have to commute his sentence, even though it will be enormously embarrassing and completely fucking wrong, Universally, folks. It’s the wrong thing to do.

But he had no choice. It’s a simple equation. The shame from commuting his sentence now is nowhere near as bad as what would happen if a scorned Scooter Libby opened up his big fucking mouth. A whole lot of lives, legacies, and political careers would be ruined if an insider decided to burn the house down. And the is the only logical reason for the President of the United States of America intentionally doing something so incredibly immoral and wrong.

Podcast: Episode 9

Episode 9

Mary Winker, the woman who shot and killed her preacher husband and then took off with her three young kids is sentenced.
She gets dick, and I am pissed. Listen to some straight up fury – Sick Style.

I know I’m posting a lot of podcasts, because it’s what I’m into right now and it’s where my career is going. I’ll still be writing though. Don’t worry. I just need stronger subjects to write about. The podcasts are great though, and high quality. I’m not some douche bag sitting at the computer talking into the same mic he uses to chat with his online girlfriend.

I’m a professional broadcaster, with a professional radio job, with a professional microphone using professional software to produce my amazing podcast.